|And it came to pass that our
hero encountered a computer. It wasn't his but he was shown the way of chat and online
gaming. He practiced his craft whenever he could find a friend with a 28.8 or better. He
became a man on the IRC, leaving a trail of what he thought were women on every channel
with the word sex on it. He had an alleged girl on every server... Then someone sent him a
picture. It intrigued hime. It was a picture of a girl and her .....
|mother. Now he was really
intrigued. What did this photo mean? Did it mean that she wanted him to have some kind of
illicit affair with both her and her mother? He thought about it for a while and decided
he would go to her, and he did. But when he showed up at her door-step, bearing flowers,
candy, and profilactics, it was answered by a large man wearing nothing but a......
|few pieces of tupperware duck
taped around his extremities. "Come on in," said the man, "My name is
Gladys, we have been expecting you. Gladys led me through the house, and told me I needed
|change into one of her mumus.
It made him feel a bit strange but the the satiny feeling soon brought our hero to an
aroused state. He then remembered what he was here for and asked her where the computer
"You'll need to log me in first, young man", she said. The look on his face as
he tried to cipher this double entendre was one of confusion, then he approached Gladys
|I've never "logged"
anyone in before, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Besides he thought to
himself I did take first prize at the lumberjack talent contest last summer. He realized
that he wasn't wearing plaid right now but the satin did make him feel a little bit giddy.
Giddy enough even to....
|begin singing a song he'd not
heard since high-school. Of course, ordinarily he'd have felt foolish singing aloud in
front of strangers and a blinking cursor begging for input, but he figured in this
circumstance it really wouldn't stand out. As the song progressed, the others began to get
involved, and Gladys lit some incense to further lighten the move. Our hero was finally
beginning to feel at peace when he heard a loud thump at the door. The door crashed open
|in came three circus clowns.
Just who were these fucking clowns he thought to himself, and why were they interupting
|15 minutes of cyber fame. Alll
he wanted wanted was to live the american dream and have sex with a stranger and her
mom.... Where did all this pomp and circumstance come from? So he found a household fire
extinguisher, unclipped the nozzle, pointed it at the damn clowns. The clowns stopped,
assessed the situation, then continued to approach our hero. Our hero fired the
extinguisher at his jovial aggressors, but to his surprise all that came out was....
|That gelatinous spoogey mess
that's used to pack Spam. The clowns attempted evasive maneuvers but our hero was to quick
for them. Afore long each and everyone of the laughy boys was coated from from the top of
their goofy hats to the tips of the big frikken shoes. Our hero sort of chuckled, and
|Now lets all get nekkid and
armwrestle." Which the biggest of them immediately....
|shut down with a honk of his
horn and some bizarre hand gestures. The others immediately clustered around the largest
green haired red nosed wierdo and began to lick the spammy jelly from his clownish body.
Our hero was repulsed by this display, but he couldnt turn away. Struck with a sudden bolt
of genius, he went to the cupboard and took out his....
|Virus Scan software disk. He
loaded it into Gladys' cd-rom drive and scanned for possible solutions to this IRC session
gone awry. It suggested using his reboot disk and reloading the software, or that maybe
his command.com was corrupt. Realizing that his system restore disk was now covered with
that gelatinous spoogey mess that's used to pack Spam, he got out some ritz crackers and
proceeded to scrape the jelly onto the cracker. He then proceeded to....
|wing these miniature spooge
covered discus's at the remaining brightly clad entorage. The mirth makers proved to be no
match for the spoogey peltings and made haste toward the nearest eggress. Our hero
meanwhile having cleaned the restore disk thoroughly, shoved it right into his.....
|NOW WAIT A GD MINUTE!!!! This
story has started to degenerate into an unbelievable farce. I mean I can believe the IRC
stuff. I found the descriptive style of the man on the internet as to credible and,
indeed, endearing. I believe the transition from fantasy to reality as he tried the time
tested courting ritual with the flowers and candy to be one of the best message board
dramatic scenes of the year, worthy of possible movie rights. We knew to expect a man to
answer the door (it happens to all of us at least once), but the sheer eroticism of
tupperware and duct tape was of a descriptive detail that, quite frankly, this reporter
had to tug the monkey and try to recreate the scene myself (where's a tupperware lady when
you need one?). And who hasn't secretly looked at your familial matriarch and want to put
on her mumu, just to see what it feels like against the strain of your post-teenage angst?
(C'mon CONFESS!!!! Spooge? Howler? CONFESS!!).
I found the seduction scene to be incredibly romantic and lusty. I could smell the room
when the young man contemplated "logging in", reminiscent of the hotel scene of
At this point maybe too many cooks (cocks?) spoiled the stew. Gladiator may have
underlying issues as he introduces the circus clowns into a love story. What environmental
factor could explain that? So I had to reread the transition several times.
A critic's job at this point in a 400 level college course would be to analyze the
author's motives with respect to his upbringing and sexual orientation. Based on this I
would have to say that the circus clowns may represent the gerbils Gladiator abused as a
teenager, combined with the guilt and shame he endured from his mother, who had to learn
how to breed the rodents to keep up with his insatiable sexual appetite.
Condor, our narrator, tries to get us back on track by reminding us that we were here for
sex, the american dream. On an esoteric level I can understand his need to control and
manipulate (it was his idea). I can understand his point as if it were my own oversexed
woody getting blue-balled by some damn clowns (Happy Gilmore reference maybe?). He was
surfing to get his rocks off and was glad to share his slice o'life with the rest of the
crowd. Is this the same kind of sexual team work that goes in swingers clubs around the
The fire-extinguisher scene was incredibly moving. The extinguisher represented for me the
author's sturgid manhood, becoming flaccid at the "netsexus interruptus" these
clowns were projecting onto our hero. His rage at the clowns demonstrated a weak attempt
at jack nicholson in "The Shining".
I believe I know who Jesta Freak is and the only thing I can say is I wish you wouldn't
share our secrets with the entire WWW. Yes, I freely admit to learning the way of the Spam
Jelly from some ethnic Americans at the Spam factory. I invite everyone to take the tour.
It's not just for puppies anymore.
Miss Muck, I'd like to party with you! Can we invite Barbie doll? Meet me on the IRC!
The ending of the story was curious one at that. We are expected to believe that our hero
had the stamina and previous sexual profile to insert a cdrom into one of his orifices. In
the interest of professional journalism I did research & with help fit it into my
mouth but any other orifice, as he was suggesting, is practically impossible. Don't try
that at home, folks!
All in all I would have to say that I enjoyed the story and give it three fingers up
Ok, Ok I digress. Let's just say that it was a curious excursion in to the realm and mind
of the general populace of 3oddballz.com . I give this story 5 (out of a possible 10).U
are invited to comment and don't forget to click them banners. And if you notice in your
town coordinated efforts to procure clean clown costumes, or if you find cases of
open,uneaten Spam outside of your local swing club, contact Howler immediately.....
|Fuh King B-yootifool!!!!!!!