2001 WILL BE ANOTHER WACKY YEAR
MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
~~Copyright 2000 Melvin Durai http://www.funnycolumns.com
As I look back on the year 2000, I can think of only one word that captures all that happened: weird. Who could have predicted that a 6-year-old Cuban boy would create a political tug-of-war, that Hillary Clinton would gain more attention than her husband, that the presidential election and Helen Hunt's marriage would last until December?
Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee another round of weirdness in 2001. We may have dodged the dreaded millennium bug, but we can't evade the onslaught of millennial wackiness. Here's what to expect in 2001:
---The economy weakens, the stock market slides, and poor Bill Gates is ashamed to discover that his wealth has shrunk to a mere $50 billion. A group of homeless people, identifying with the Microsoft co-founder's fate, pools their savings to buy him a sympathy card. Gates is forced to cut many of his expenses, including the limousine service and personal butler for his dog.
---Peace finally comes to the Middle East, after Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat give each other a big hug while making a historic appearance on "Oprah." Oprah Winfrey's relationship expert Dr. Phil McGraw guides the two leaders through a reconciliation session designed for estranged couples. "OK, Yasser, I want you to look straight into Ehud's eyes and tell him what's troubling you. Be honest, now. This isn't just about a piece of land, is it?" After solving the Middle East crisis, Oprah continues her peace efforts by inviting the leaders of India and Pakistan.
---During a state visit by Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo, George W. Bush tries to compliment his new friend by saying, "You've helped bring stability to your great nation, Oh-loose-gun." A week later, he uses the same words to welcome NRA president Charlton Heston.
---Responding to the recent election stalemate, Senator Hillary Clinton and other Democrats propose a constitutional amendment that replaces the nation's outdated electoral college with a modern system that eliminates any possibility of electing a president who's a Republican.
---Former Vice President Al Gore writes a book entitled "George Bush Won Florida and Other Election Myths." Only 1,231 people buy Gore's book, compared with 1.5 million who buy Michael Jackson's new book "If Men are From Mars, I'm From Pluto." Gore demands a recount.
---After successfully mapping the human genome, scientists begin another major project: examining a DNA sample from Iraqi president Saddam Hussein to determine if he's human. "He was born a human," one scientist says, "but right before our eyes, he seems to be evolving into something else. A creature with no concern for human lives. It's a really strange case. Evolution usually takes place over millions of years."
---Former President Bill Clinton gives up politics and accepts an invitation from ABC to be an analyst on "Monday Night Football." But he is fired after three weeks because his most in-depth analysis consists mainly of repeating a single line: "The cheerleaders look great tonight."
---Encouraged by the success of ABC's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" NBC recruits New York radio shock jock Howard Stern to star in a new television show: "Who Wants to Slap a Millionaire?" The network is flooded with calls from aspiring contestants. Many of the calls are from Stern's wife.
---Tiger Woods, eager to give himself a greater challenge on the professional golf tour, competes in The Masters tournament wearing a blindfold. He has a rough time, missing many putts and winning by only eight strokes.
Copyright 2000 Melvin Durai http://www.funnycolumns.com
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. For a free subscription to one of America's most entertaining and thought-provoking columns, send a blank message to email@example.com or go to http://www.melvindurai.com
This column may be distributed freely on the internet by e-mail but you must include the above copyright and web site info.
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write to firstname.lastname@example.org
[ Back ]
Tell All Your Facebook Peeps.
Now Share Us On Google Plus