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Spam

Following my recently posted proof of the equivalence of TIME and SPAM, several people have written to me, asking me to explain in greater detail the nature and structure of the universe as a whole. The nature of the universe is simple--the entire observable universe is actually a single can of Spam: what we call the universe would be more accurately described as the "SPAM CAN TOTALITY."

Sure, you say, the fact that the entire universe is a gigantic can of Spam seems intuitively obvious, but just how strong is the hard physical evidence for the Spam Can Totality? The answer is, of course, overwhelming; here are just a few proofs of the Spam Can Totality:

The SPAM CAN TOTALITY is the ultimate reality of the universe. Only by comprehending Spam can we hope to comprehend ourselves. Black holes are a hoax--because the universe is a can of Spam, only pink holes can exist! Only through Spam--the unification of physics, chemistry, and biology--can we understand the physical nature of the universe! The ubiquitous microwave background is, in fact, left-over energy from the original COSMIC CANNING EVENT! Matter is composed of fundamental quanta of Spam--while antimatter is none other than discrete quanta of anti-spam, also known as "Vegetarian Spam" or "Tofu"! The reason matter predominates over antimatter in the Spam Can Totality can be seen by looking in almost any grocery store--not only does Spam sell better than Tofu, Tofu expires in a matter of a week or two, while the expiration date on a can of Spam is years, even decades in the future!

The fact that the earth is made of matter--discrete quanta of Spam-- explains everything about the earth, from its structure to the machanisms of continental drift and sea floor spreading. If you leave the contents of a can of Spam on your counter for a few days, it will automatically form a crust--much like the earth's! Soon, this crust will form cracks, just like the mid-Atlantic ridge on our own planet, and things will begin to grow on it--just like the development of life on earth, only with greater speed, owing to the fact that the earth is somewhat larger than most cans of Spam. Even the growth of the higher animals will be simulated in this Spam microcosm, through the process of Spontaneous Maggot Materialization (patent pending)!

I, therefore, demand that from this day forth, elements shall be called by their proper Spam-based names. No longer will foolish scientists refer to the first element as "hydrogen," instead they shall call it "Spam." "Beryllium" shall henceforth be known only as "spam, eggs, sausage, and spam"; and the 94th element shall forevermore be called "spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, and spam." (If Baked Beans are off, Spam may be substituted.)

The now obsolete Nobel Corporation will be replaced with the Spam Can Foundation. Dedicated to furthering Spam knowledge, the Spam Can Foundation will give an annual prize to the person with the most spamlike brain--but this prize shall not be mere money, but something far greater: immortality! The individual selected for this prestigious award shall be sealed in a rectangular tin in which he or she will remain fresh and unspoiled for eternity. No doubt there are many people you will wish to nominate for this award, so be sure to forward their names and addresses, along with the hours they are normally sleeping to this foundation.

May Spam be with you.

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