HALT !!....YOU ARE UNDER SELF ARREST !!!
The U. S. government has
announced today its proposition to help reduce the deficit, and fight the national crime
problem. They're proposing with the 1999 tax returns we mail each household in
America a Citizen Self Arrest Form as indicated below. This will allow more money to the programs such as weight training for strong arm robbers, Playboy channel for sex crime inmates, etc.
CITIZEN'S SELF ARREST FORM
Fill in this form, answering all questions completely. If you need
additional space for a full confession, use a separate blank sheet of
Name_______________________ Address _____________________
Phone Number (___)_________ Nickname, Alias, AKA _____________
Height ________ Weight _______ Eye Color ______ Hair Color_______
Crime for which you are arresting yourself:_________________________
Plea: (check one only) [ ] Guilty [ ] Not Guilty [ ] No Contest
Motive: (check one) [ ] Money [ ] Blackmail [ ] Emotional
[ ] Ideology [ ] Revenge [ ] Mental Illness
[ ] Romantic Entanglement [ ] Other
Please follow the rules listed below until
your trial date:
1. Do not leave your domicile
2. Put any firearms, knives or other potential weapons out of reach
3. Remove your belt and shoelaces. Read the following statement aloud: "I am under self arrest. I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law. I have the right to an
attorney and to have the attorney present during any questioning and the making of any statements. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for me by the court at no cost to me"
4.Do not attempt to resist arrest. If you feel it is necessary to resist please beat yourself about the head and shoulders with the nearest blunt object until such time as you concede to the arrest.
5. The small patch below contains a remarkable offshoot of military tech- nology. An entire miniature Bible, produced by laser microprinting. Place your left on the spot and raise your right hand and say "I swear that all of the information I have given on this form is true, so help me, God"
( . ) <---- (Bible enclosed in brckets)
6. Using a stamp pad or ink soaked sponge, please provide a preliminary
set of fingerprints below:
Left Thumb Left Index Right Thumb Right Index
7. If you have a recent photo enclose it for our records, otherwise, if you have a decent amount of artistic skill, please sketch a reasonable likeness on the back of this form. Please do not included any mustache, beard or eyeglasses, even if you actually wear them.
8. Sign and date the form, enclosing the photo if available and mail to Janet Reno ..."Arrest by Mail Program ", Washington DC. You are authorized to make one trip to the mail box for this purpose.
Signature of Arrestor/Arrestee Date
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