"EVERYONE HAS PET PEEVES"
MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
I recently read an article about pet peeves, those somewhat trivial things that drive us crazy and make us question other people's sanity.
It seems like everyone has pet peeves, even our pets. Our dogs are peeved that the shoes we leave lying around are never flavored. And they absolutely hate working for free in beer commercials. Isn't there a minimum wage of one bone an hour? Someone call the American Dog Union.
Our fish are peeved that they never get any privacy. How would humans like to live in a house of glass? And how would they like to eat flakes all day? In a big bowl of water.
Our cats are peeved about their irregular feeding times. It messes up their tight schedules. They often have to interrupt their dates with the sofa cushion.
Unfortunately, pets have trouble expressing their displeasure. They can't talk and they haven't quite mastered the art of obscene gestures. We humans are so blessed. We have all the tools of communication. We can make statements with almost any body part. And even our clothes.
But despite our communication skills, we seem to always get on each other's nerves. As a result, we have more pet peeves than even Congress could handle.
As a public service, I've decided to suggest some possible responses to a few common pet peeves. These are only suggestions and should be followed only after reading all the fine print on the classified pages of your local newspaper.
There are usually two types of responses: polite responses and effective ones.
Consider these situations:
---A telemarketer wakes you up at 8 a.m. to ask if you'd like to receive the new Elian Gonzalez NFL Visa card. It features a picture of the Cuban boy wearing the helmet of your favorite football team.
Polite response: "Yes, please send me one and please keep calling me with similar offers. And please give my number to other companies, because my friends never call."
Effective response: "Please take me off your calling list or I'll send my personal friend, O.J. Simpson, after you. He has a lot of free time."
Even better response: "Hold on while I put my 5-year-old on the line. He likes to talk. And he has a perfect credit record."
---As you are opening the latest issue of Cat Fancy, a subscription card falls out of the magazine.
Polite response: You pick up the card and give it to your neighbor, who also fancies cats.
Effective response: You pick up the card and drop it in a mail box. The magazine will pay for the postage.
Even better response: Before mailing the card, you fill it out with the name and address of your favorite politician. Those cards will soon be outlawed.
---You're waiting for an eternity at the fast food drive-up window. You are hungry and angry.
Polite response: You take a deep breath and continue waiting, realizing that the restaurant is probably understaffed.
Effective response: You place an order, then drive off to another restaurant. They'll get the hint.
Even better response: You park your car and haul your lazy butt into the restaurant. It'll be faster and the exercise may burn some of that lard.
---You receive mail inscribed with words like "urgent" and "immediate attention required." When you open the envelope, you find that it's just a solicitation (junk mail).
Polite response: You reply to the mail, making sure you include your credit card number. If possible, write it on the outside of the envelope.
Effective response: You toss the mail in the trash.
Even better response: You send an empty envelope inscribed with words such as "check enclosed" and "cash immediately."
~~Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai http://www.funnycolumns.com
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