How Olag Killed A Spider
Let me tell you a little story.
Yesterday, on my way out, I saw something in our hallway. It looked like a mutant mosquito but in fact, it was a large! daddy long legs ( spider with a tiny body and long thin legs). Normally, I don't like spiders, like the hockey puck size TARANTULA we found and killed in our driveway!!!! A TARANTULA in La Jolla! I thought the board had voted against it! Anyway, when we struck it with a long stick, it reared up on it's hind four legs and stuck out its front four hairy finger size legs in a menacing scowl. Scared the shit out of me. There's also those spiders with thick pulpy brown or beige bodies. Yuck. But this daddy long legs was majestic, huge. It was also the size of a hockey puck, but only because of it's eight straight spindles, it's body was smaller than a dime. And it just sat there on the wall. So I went back to my room, got my feather duster and some paper, put the paper carefully under the spider and smashed it with the feather duster, I had left the plastic covering on it. The spider had appeared to be a large target but, remember, it's mostly legs, the body is tiny. So now, with 1 and a half legs missing (probably torn out) and two others broken the spider is trying to crawl away. I smash again. Now it looks like its doing that stooges breakdance where you lie down on your side and walk so that you actually spin around in circles. It was doing donuts, HOW CUTE!!!! SMASH! It stopped moving. I scooped it onto the paper, in constant anxiety that it would rise again and quickly crawl up my arm. I went for the bathroom, but the lid was down, damn, and my hands were full. But hey, it looked dead so i tossed it in the bathroom trashcan...
...later that night...
...as I sat in the shitter, I noticed something on the bathroom wall next to my leg. It was grampa long legs again. Apparently, four of his legs were functioning well enough, although, it appeared that the lower half of his torso had been completely flattened. Still, I had not killed it, probably just knocked it unconscious or something. It had crawled out of the trash and was trying to head for sanctuary, the peaceful little thing. (I think Daddy Long Legs don't even kill bugs, they're so peaceful, like vegetarians or something.) This guy was brave, a hero. Yet, I could see he had no speed left in him. So I finished peeing, BUT DID NOT FLUSH!!! Instead, I grabbed a piece of cardboard and used it to flick the spider into my urine! He did not die. Because of his light weight and large surface area, he floated in my excrement like a twig on a pond. still moving his few remaining functional legs in an attempt to push towards the edge of the bowl. This guy was amazing, never losing hope, a survivor. This may have been one of the greatest daddy long legs that ever lived. I must have watched him paddle in the Gatorade for two or three minutes, but then, with a tear in my eye, I flushed. I think that it's remaining legs may have been crushed by the water, so if it didn't drown, it will have a mighty hard time climbing over my feces to get a bite at my ass.
So long hero, I'll miss you.
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