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The New Priests Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.   After   mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
He replied, "When I am worried   about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the   water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he   took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous   and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his   office after mass, he found the following note on the door:      

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

  6. We do not refer to JesusChrist as the late J.C.

  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he  was stoned off his ass.

  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

  11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the  grub, yeah God.

  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a  peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

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