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Kitchen/Cooking Humor



Feeling brave the other day, I ventured into the  kitchen and attempted to cook something. That  was a big mistake, because I wasnít alone. My  wife, Malathi, was watching me closely -- like an  examiner at the driverís license center -- waiting  for me to do something incredibly stupid. She  didnít have to wait long.

 "Why are you using frozen vegetables when we  have so many fresh vegetables?"

 "I always use frozen vegetables."

 "Donít you know that fresh vegetables are more  nutritious than frozen vegetables?"

 "I ... well ... uh ..."

 I felt like an accused murderer who had just  been declared insane.

 Malathi: "Your honor, my husband is definitely  insane. He used frozen vegetables to make a  stir-fry meal. Do you need any more proof?"

 Judge: "No, youíve proved your case well. Itís  too bad you married a guy whoís clueless in the  kitchen."

 Malathi: "Trust me, your honor, thatís not the only  room heís clueless in."

 I donít know why Malathi brought up nutrition.  Had she ever seen me snacking on bean  sprouts? Had I ever eaten a cucumber for  dessert? In my world, such foods barely exist. I  hurry past them in the grocery store as though  theyíre carrying something contagious.

 Needless to say, I was soon fired from my  temporary job as cook, dismissed without a  single paycheck. Malathi took over the cooking,  tossing all sorts of fresh veggies into a hot wok  and probably wishing she could toss me in there,  too. The bag of frozen veggies was returned to  the freezer, where it will likely remain until at  least 2005, the next time I try to cook something.

 Let this be a warning to all men: If you live with a  woman, the kitchen is dangerous territory. Youíd  be safer in the Australian outback, wrestling with  crocodiles. At least when they snap at you, it  wonít hurt your pride.

 Before you even think about cooking, ask  yourself an important question: Wouldnít you  rather save yourself a lot of trouble, as well as  embarrassment, by choosing a better  alternative, such as starvation?

 Just look at all the tools and gadgets in the  kitchen and admit to yourself that you have no  idea what some of them do. No, the big slotted  spoon isnít used to keep knives from sliding  down the drain. And the flat wooden spoon isnít  used to swat the flies. Itís used to swat the  husband.

 Donít even bother with all the seasonings and  spices. How can men be expected to  understand coriander, cumin, oregano and  thyme, when weíre still trying to figure out salt  and pepper? My wife has so many spices in so  many bottles, Iím beginning to think sheís a  collector. Some seasonings seem so similar  (try saying that 50 times). Weíve got not just  garlic powder, but also garlic salt, and soon  weíll be getting garlic breath.

 And what about the refrigerator? If you can  identify everything in there, you deserve a  presidential medal of honor. Aside from  occasionally fishing out the ice cream, Iím  afraid to look through our freezer. It has far too  many UFOs (unidentified frozen objects).  Some have been frozen since at least the  Mesozoic Era.

 You see, my wife has a problem, one that more  people should have. She hates to waste food.  When we have leftovers, she says, "We  shouldnít waste this," and she packs it up and  sticks it somewhere in the refrigerator, where it  will easily be found one day by archeologists.  Well, at least theyíll know we were concerned  about nutrition.


 ~~Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai  

 For a free subscripton to Melvin Durai's weekly   columns, send a blank message to


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