MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
"KITCHENS CAN BE UNFRIENDLY PLACES"
Feeling brave the other day, I ventured into the kitchen and attempted to cook something. That was a big mistake, because I wasnít alone. My wife, Malathi, was watching me closely -- like an examiner at the driverís license center -- waiting for me to do something incredibly stupid. She didnít have to wait long.
"Why are you using frozen vegetables when we have so many fresh vegetables?"
"I always use frozen vegetables."
"Donít you know that fresh vegetables are more nutritious than frozen vegetables?"
"I ... well ... uh ..."
I felt like an accused murderer who had just been declared insane.
Malathi: "Your honor, my husband is definitely insane. He used frozen vegetables to make a stir-fry meal. Do you need any more proof?"
Judge: "No, youíve proved your case well. Itís too bad you married a guy whoís clueless in the kitchen."
Malathi: "Trust me, your honor, thatís not the only room heís clueless in."
I donít know why Malathi brought up nutrition. Had she ever seen me snacking on bean sprouts? Had I ever eaten a cucumber for dessert? In my world, such foods barely exist. I hurry past them in the grocery store as though theyíre carrying something contagious.
Needless to say, I was soon fired from my temporary job as cook, dismissed without a single paycheck. Malathi took over the cooking, tossing all sorts of fresh veggies into a hot wok and probably wishing she could toss me in there, too. The bag of frozen veggies was returned to the freezer, where it will likely remain until at least 2005, the next time I try to cook something.
Let this be a warning to all men: If you live with a woman, the kitchen is dangerous territory. Youíd be safer in the Australian outback, wrestling with crocodiles. At least when they snap at you, it wonít hurt your pride.
Before you even think about cooking, ask yourself an important question: Wouldnít you rather save yourself a lot of trouble, as well as embarrassment, by choosing a better alternative, such as starvation?
Just look at all the tools and gadgets in the kitchen and admit to yourself that you have no idea what some of them do. No, the big slotted spoon isnít used to keep knives from sliding down the drain. And the flat wooden spoon isnít used to swat the flies. Itís used to swat the husband.
Donít even bother with all the seasonings and spices. How can men be expected to understand coriander, cumin, oregano and thyme, when weíre still trying to figure out salt and pepper? My wife has so many spices in so many bottles, Iím beginning to think sheís a collector. Some seasonings seem so similar (try saying that 50 times). Weíve got not just garlic powder, but also garlic salt, and soon weíll be getting garlic breath.
And what about the refrigerator? If you can identify everything in there, you deserve a presidential medal of honor. Aside from occasionally fishing out the ice cream, Iím afraid to look through our freezer. It has far too many UFOs (unidentified frozen objects). Some have been frozen since at least the Mesozoic Era.
You see, my wife has a problem, one that more people should have. She hates to waste food. When we have leftovers, she says, "We shouldnít waste this," and she packs it up and sticks it somewhere in the refrigerator, where it will easily be found one day by archeologists. Well, at least theyíll know we were concerned about nutrition.
~~Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai http://www.funnycolumns.com
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