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Help Desk Technician's Bible

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...This may or may not be influenced by HOWLERs current job.

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway. I could be surfing porn right now.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number??? We haven't a clue what all that crap means. Just tell us what you were doing when you screwed up your computer.

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions. We will usually say it hasn't been busy there by making you think you are the only moron having a problem today.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is. Mayhaps you should have bought an etch a sketch!

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it! We are not a computer training school.

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough. Take a god damned class for chrissakes.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers. Let me reiterate the point about reading us things. Generally we know what you are seeing so don't read to us unless we ask.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics. Not only that but we arent going to sit there while you write everything we say down to try later, we do not give dictation, we give instruction.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all about computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than # 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on. We are at work and cannot imbibe in mind altering chemicals, the jealousy this inspires could cause us to
inadvertently have you reformat your hard drive. After all your not going to remember having done this.

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