COLUMBUS, OHIO -- INTERVIEW WITH A FAMOUS PENIS (PART I)
Last night, a star penis lost the big home game by not making the final shot to score. Joke A Day has obtained an exclusive interview with the former "Beast Of Love."
JAD: Good afternoon, Mr. Penis. Or should we call you by one of your aliases? "Jackhammer"? The "Throbbing Python"? The "Orgasm Tool And Die Shop"?
Penis: Call me "Pud".
JAD: Ok, Pud . . . Let's cut to the chase. What happened? You were going strong, it looked like a good, hard thrust to the finish line. But then . . . it's like you weren't up for the job.
Penis: I don't know. I was joggling a little left of center, trying to find that sweet spot, y'know. And then, BAM, I just lost my footing! It was slick, slippery as hell, and before I knew what hit me, BAM, I was right out of the whole arena!
JAD: The tapes show a lot of fumbling trying to get back on the playing field.
Penis: Yeah, those damned tapes. Probably wind up on the Internet or something showing how "Mr. Big" slipped. You know, there's lots of competition out there. Lots of other would stab you in the back to get down on that field.
JAD: It's a pretty nice field.
Penis: Yeah it is -- and I've spent a lot of time working that field, too, man! But the owner doesn't give a shit. "What have you done for me lately?" Or, "You know, this isn't the first time things haven't come to a head." There's a lot of pressure and I'm sure that's why I just shrunk away from the goal.
JAD: Your left and right guards, those guys that are just hanging around you, seemed a little lower than normal.
Penis: One thing about those guys, they never get pissed. Hell, when I'm not performing or just hanging out, I get pissed all the time. But not these guys. They were a little blue over my performance, but, hey, what can I say?
JAD: So, what's your plan? How are you going to stiffen your game plan? Have you thought about a change of venue?
Penis: It's kind of exciting to think about playing on other fields, but the current field owner has me in a pretty exclusive contract right now. I'm not sure I can break the thing without a significant financial loss. I guess I could do a little moonlighting -- some on the side stuff. Get my game back up and then try it out on the home field again.
JAD: What would be the penalties for getting caught moonlighting?
Penis: I'd be cut. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's called the "Bobbitt Clause". And you know, if it was just me, I could probably deal with it. But those two nuts I hang around with, it's a package deal. We've been together for years. They'd get cut, too.
JAD: Sounds severe. What about chemical enhancements?
Penis: Man, no, I don't think so. Some of the older players might need that stuff, but not "Dong Corleone"!
INTERVIEW WITH A PENIS (PART II)
A couple of night ago a penis didn't come through for the big score in the home game. Joke A Day continues its exclusive interview with "Pud" the penis while Pud tries to figure out how to improve his strokes.
JAD: Earlier you'd spoken that you thought your game might improve if you were to moonlight on other fields. Then, when you got back to the home field, your "off field" practice would improve your game.
Penis: Straight up.
JAD: This isn't the first field you've played in. Have you considered making a permanent change?
Penis: Yeah, usually about the same time every month.
JAD: But if you were to move to another playing field, wouldn't your current field become the home field for another penis?
Penis: Naw, I don't think so. I was always the greatest, the best, and the biggest for ever field I've ever played at.
JAD: And you know this because . . . ?
Penis: Those post game interviews. I'd ask the owner how the game went, and the owner would tell me, "You're the best, you never played better. No one has ever played this field as well!" So, no, I'm pretty sure every field I've ever played is still pining to get me back.
JAD: But now you missed a big shot. You didn't come through. No climax to the action. No one was asking, "Who's your Daddy?" What do you have to say to all of your fans?
Penis: Damned fickle crowds. When it all goes soft, they slink away. For those people, I tell to suck me. For the true fans, I'm looking forward to the hard times -- it's when I do my best work.
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