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A DSL Tech On The Edge
by Diego Frenzy

Written and sent to us by a long time friend of the humor cafe, this piece over dramatizes the effect that a lack of sleep, can have on A telephone Tech who is off his meds.

Please find enclosed my notes from the DSL Employee WorkLog...

WorkLog for Order ID:62756 {YVETTE GONZALES}

On Jan 12 2001 8:55AM maptrick wrote: cust found out that it was sons of silence gang leader jerry "big mouth" biasetti who signed for her dsl modem. instead of using it for innocent surfing, biasetti and his biker gang perfidiously used the gateway to collect weapon sites from distant urls and to sell their cheap version of crank online. best of luck to yvette, who will be sent another modem from our shipping queue. later we will send our union thugs over to biasetti''s to rough up his boys a bit.

WorkLog for Order ID:63432{MARY FORNACELLI}

On Jan 12 2001 8:49AM maptrick wrote: Though customer's name sounds vaguely pornographic or at least Mafia-related, in fact neither is the case. Ms. Fornarelli is a retired hippie who is happy to grow her crops in the basement and live a long life in the teachings of Jerry Garcia.

WorkLog for Order ID:68272{JOHN GODEIKIS}

On Jan 12 2001 7:58AM maptrick wrote: still no foc date from at on this. escalated for foc date. order is being taken care of by the brother of john godeikis, who left him in charge of "the details." there is a common cliché: the devil is in the details. Pascal once reckoned that it was God in the details. escalated to the gods of foc dates, sort of like the three Greek fates (the old women who are spinners of yarn)

WorkLog for Order ID:69645{DOCTOR JOHN RUSSEL}

On Jan 12 2001 8:42AM maptrick wrote: Sadly enough the issues of "no facilities" have come to encompass everything from erectile dysfunction to no water at the ice skating rink but in this case it refers not to DSL service but to the mental faculties of the long-lost Professor Russel, who was abducted by the Tong Mao hill tribes and forced to drink a memory-impairing drink that has left him as vegetative as a stroke victim. Be a good soul and euthanize him please.

WorkLog for Order ID:92751{ANONYMOUS}

On Jan 12 2001 8:28AM maptrick wrote: CUST HAS SPOTTED TWO AMERITECH TRUCKS OUTSIDE HOME AND FEARS ABDUCTION. TECHS COULD HAVE GAINED ACCESS AND COULD NOW BE STALKING HIM LIKE ROBERT DENIRO. CUST IS VERY AFRAID AND KEEPS SEEING BATS AND DEMONS. CUST IS AFRAID THAT AMERITECH SPIKED HIS DSL LINE WITH LSD. HORRIFIC FLASHBACKS OF VIETNAM. WorkLog for Order ID:95164 {LIONEL EVERETT}

On Jan 12 2001 8:34AM maptrick wrote: Mr. Everett is the code name for Bill Gates, the nefarious villain hell-bent on infiltrating the Company. Once inside he plans to execute the plan of ZOMBIE MANAGER, a terrible skin/computer virus that will make all humans extensions of machines, and this especially focuses on Rastafarians.

WorkLog for Order ID:95824{VINCENT ERIC}

On Jan 12 2001 8:19AM maptrick wrote: bell south zombies have been attacking house but they do not provide a static ip address and cust really wants the static ip power pack that comes with the red herb for healing. cust asked for me to send him the LOA cheat pack and I told him that I could email it to him for seventy hit points. cust finally agreed and i emailed LOA and told him to take all his valuables out of the central office as soon the zombies will return to provision his line for DSL Service. 

WorkLog for Order ID:38490

On Jan 12 2001 10:06AM maptrick wrote: Just came upon customer's order and saw that it has been cancelled by the CFLORES strain of corporate virus and I am afraid that it has been infecting other customers in the area with DSLHIV. When I checked this order's vital signs it appeared to have been overcome by sloth and apathy which have drained it of all life force. When I turned it over the order showed a strange blue tattoo in the shape of a triangle and I suspect that this is the mark of the Chinese triad known as Sum Yung Gai.

WorkLog for Order ID:43702

On Jan 12 2001 10:53AM maptrick wrote: Early this morning the cust called to check something and I immediately transferred him to billing, then to tech support. It is now 1.48 in the afternoon and cust was finally disconnected from tech support and called me back to plead. I gave him the corporate number for tech support and his white "tech emergency" number. He asked for his order ID and I told him that it was FIVE. We have lots of orders but no FIVES. 

WorkLog for Order ID:62193

On Jan 12 2001 10:14AM maptrick wrote: Cust has been branded a felon in the OSS system, which I suspect is highly racist and even classist. Cust is highly agitated and I have begun quoting from either the Book of Matthew or just using the script from the Unabomber. Cust will slowly fall under my control and I can have a proxy life. Advised cust that I have a taste for cheap whiskey and young women...

WorkLog for Order ID:63059

On Jan 12 2001 10:30AM maptrick wrote: Cust has been having a vicious turf war with his neighbor Jack the Scarneck and Jack has recently been letting his Rottweiler attack hounds molest and devour the customer's children and extended family. Now cust feels obligated to take to the mattresses with a sniper scope and a fist full of shells, and he will wait until the cows come home or until he can get that son of a b and shoot him in the forehead for taking the only true thing that the customer loves, which is his family. When cust begins all-out attack, he begins to scream in a high-pitched coke voice "Let me introduce you to my leetle friend!!!!" (sound of gunfire)

WorkLog for Order ID:64009

On Jan 12 2001 10:48AM maptrick wrote: Customer's incorrect address in Bell South has led to a comedy of errors: local escorts can't find his house for their tuna delivery, area high school punks can't find his front porch so they can buy smack from the customer's middle-aged son, the pizza man got held up because he was walking around aimlessly, and even a weather balloon crashed into his property because in the Bell South listing, customer's address is shown as Big Bob's Air Field.

WorkLog for Order ID:66894

On Jan 12 2001 9:56AM maptrick wrote: cust has now established verizon on the line. cust is worried because dsl lines remind him of the razor wire he had to run through when escaping from the brutal regime of foreign dictator Belius Atlanticus. Cust has been forced to become a gladiator though once in his home country he held the high rank of General and Commander of Mounted Division. Cust has recently gone to Empress and begged forgiveness and for his DSL life and Empress granted him one wish. We will submit the order and either it will be accepted for a happy marriage or it will be eaten by a tiger who is kept locked up for occasions just like these. Which is it going to be? Stay tuned....

WorkLog for Order ID:90868

On Jan 12 2001 9:37AM maptrick wrote: cust is fast-talking salesman who has a car he wants to sell but there is a strong mysterious odor coming from trunk and cust informed me that he used to to store "dead dogs and other road kill" when provisioning contacted his local authorities, the homicide division found that cust was wanted in seven states for dismembering central offices all over the Midwest.

WorkLog for Order ID:94874

On Jan 12 2001 10:24AM maptrick wrote: Cust is actually caught in the psychic pinball game of life which has been bouncing him hither and yon like a stray soldier in my shorts. Though I feel for the customer there is little I can do as I am not only powerless but offenseless as well, and all I have left is my defense. Tony Mariello used to play great defense back in my high school and I wish he was here right now but his dad talks about how he got all messed up from those factory fumes and flipped out and got his assault bullpup shotgun and ran down the corridor shrieking about Phoenix and PSN. Unfortunately he is now hosptitalized and perhaps we can see him sometime in the near medicated future. Thorazine has made him a new man, everyone says. I doubt it. No one is ever the same once they get out of the shrink hospital. They normally crawl around in the gutter and eat fish stink.

WorkLog for Order ID:95745

On Jan 12 2001 10:40AM maptrick wrote: Cust still on hold for credit check because Planned Parenthood is garnishing his wages for the seven abortions that they performed on Misty, his beloved Pit Bull. Misty has been known to "sleep around" with the other dogs and the customer is worried that she might have doggie syphilis or gonorrhea, especially from Buster, the mutt down the block who always comes sniffing around to get some stank on his hang down. 

WorkLog for Order ID:62258

On Jan 12 2001 11:02AM maptrick wrote: This order was not actually cancelled and it should be cancelled as there are no facilities and couldn't that be slang for something much more ominous like "no oxygen" or "no gravity" which are in fact fatal to us just as "no facilities" is fatal to DSL service. We need to develop a vaccine for this as it is happening too often and we have nothing to prevent it. I recommend that we invent a new type of line that will self-propagate like kudzu vines racing across some backwater road in rural Georgia. Then we could combine the best parts of networking with an ecosystem that could help us. It would be great too if the system could live off of our farts. PLUR

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