IMITATION DEEP THOUGHTS
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I WAS speeding?"
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
NOTE: Jack Handy-izm's are all the rage these days, and if you like them then you might be amused by the "I Figure" page in the humor/tidbits section. Click Here to check it out.
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