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The Chilli Cook Off

 Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was  visiting   Texas   from the East coast:  

  "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous  celebrity   in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else  wanted to   do it. Also the original person called in sick   at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the  judge's   table   asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured  by   the   other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that   spicy,   and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,  so I   accepted."  

  Here are the scorecards from the event:  

 Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili   

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.   

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.   

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried   paint   from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope   that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.  

  Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili  

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.   

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken  seriously.   

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am  supposed   to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to  give me   the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers  when   they   saw the look on my face.  

  Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili  

 JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.   

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.   

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like  I   have been   snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me  on   the   back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting   shit-faced.  

  Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic   

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.   

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish  or   other mild   foods, not much of a chili.   

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to  taste   it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;  that   300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste  I'm   eating.  

  Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover   

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground.   

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must  admit   the cayenne   peppers make a strong statement.   

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can nolonger focus my eyes. I  farted and   four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed  offended   when I told her that her chili had given me   brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer  directly   on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges  asked   me   to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!  

  Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety   

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of  spice   and   peppers.   

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and  garlic.   Superb.   

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,  sulfuric   flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut  Sally. I   need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!  

  Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili   

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.   

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of  chili   peppers   at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge  Number 3.   He   appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.   

FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking  pin,   and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and  the   world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered  with   chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full  of   lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy  they'll   know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too  painful.   Fuck   it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck  it in   through the fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach.  

  Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili   

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for  all, not   too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.   

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild  nor   hot. Sorry to see that   most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled  the   chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going make it. Poor  Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was   unable to report)

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