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Bad Pick Up Lines

The following piece is the product of semi-regular postings in our Humor forum/Message Boards, We have long collected these and decided we would give them their own page. there is a lot here but we felt you just mind find some of it humorous. We try to keep these original but some were just to good not to post them. The entries and name of entrants are provided below. We started this page from our forums so the earlier stuff seems conversational. The forums have been defunct for some time but we occasionally send out requests to some of the old crew for funky fresh submittals. Speakin' of submittals perhaps some of these will have someone submitting to you tonight.

Alpha Phail You got any plans later, cus I hurt my shoulder yesterday, and to be honest, this thing ain't gonna jerk itself.
I Dred Knot I wish I was those shorts so I could be wedged in your ass all day. Opportunities to use this one aren't as rare as you might think.
Lane Smythe
If we were ever at a Batman midnight premier and someone started shooting the place up.... I would so throw myself on you.
spooge "does this rag smell like chloroform?" This one is all purpose but best used in dark alleys'.
flinchböt We totally have something in common - you like baths and I like bath salts.
Faith Excuse me, would you mind if I googled all over your twitter? I saw this on a shirt.
Jesta Freak I'll be right back as someone who you are attracted to.
Lane Smythe I'll bet upside down you look just like Sarah Silverman.
flinchböt My hair isn't quite 50 shades of Grey yet. Can you tell me what those books advise to go all the way there?
Alpha Phail I don't think I have ever seen a pair of black eyes as pretty as yours. Best used at Kentuckian family reunions.
spooge "I'm no educator, but there's an extension program going on in my pants"
flinchböt Can I Google your Nexus with my droid? And yes, I will totally set the ringer on vibrate.
HOWLER I once heard CDTrips use this one in a bar and it actually worked. The chick came and had breakfast with us. How did it go. The girl walked by and he said, "What the fuck are you lookin at!!!!" Ain't he a smooth one?
Lane Smythe Have you heard of David Carradine? Don't make me go out like that.
flinchböt You look just like a real life version of my favorite sex doll.
Mucky OK I've heard a few bad ones but the absolute worst has to be "The word of the day is legs...lets go back to my place and spread the word" Yes I did have that one used on me once and no it didn't work!!
spooge "You must be Irish because my penis is Dublin"
flinchböt You remind me of Hillary Clinton in that sexy way you sport that pantsuit.
condor camel toes  camel toes  camel toes
HOWLER I once heard a guy use this one, "Damn, bitch. You got some big O' titties." This guy did not of course, score that night.
onomatopia After waiting for 10 minutes just we two on the bus stop as my bus arrives and i commence to board i hear from behind me "what, ya mean i aint gon get no pussy?" I am sure this one must rank pretty high on the list of bad pick up lines. 
Lane Smythe My buddy said you look like a heffalump. I was like Oh snap, Winnie the Poo is my favorite movie!
Peter Dragon  "I'm a mountain climber." 
It works evertime. 
Dog Lover  Is that a concealed weapon you got there or do you just wanna go home and bone.
flinchböt Can I call you "blind Squirrel" and you can eventually find my nuts?
spooge "Fuck me if I'm wrong but haven't we met somewhere before."
BarbieDoll "Are those real?"
Lane Smythe Oh you're a lesbian? Well think of my ding ding as an oversized clitoris.
Jesta Freak  Could that be rigormortis setting in, or are you just happy to see me. The woman wot said that to me got so lucky!
flinchböt ...I spent 4 years serving my country. Do you mind f I spent 4 minutes serving your.....aw forget it.
Deedra A man once asked me. Where have you been all my wife? I didn't go home with him but I did give him my phone number.
Shirly Unome Hey, didn't I use to date your sister?
condor "didn't you have a cast on your arm the last time I saw you?" - 
Birthday boy.
flinchböt You look like the kind of woman who totally appreciates a man who covers his living room furniture in protective plastic wrap.
spooge "Can I smell your feet? No? Sorry, must be your pussy." Not sure where to use this one. Or why you would want it to work.
spooge "I have a 7 inch tongue and can breathe through my ears." Trust me folks, it works everytime!
Jesta Freak Spit out your false teeth Mamma, I wanna suck on your gums!!!!!! This one really gets there panties in a bind at the south view home for elderly woman.
Unsen Sword I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with you face. This works best with the really ritzy/uptown women.
flinchböt Hey baby, you look you wear the same panty size that I do!
Bob Zaney Hey, I don't care what the Bartender says - You are not Ugly! 
I coun'nt help notice how horny I am - what's your name?
flinchböt Is it weird that the thought of you looking a lot like your dad turns me on?
Das Booty If I had a nickle for every time I pictured the two of us having sex, i would have about 23 cents right now.
Christie My name is (your name). Remember it 'cause you'll be screaming it all night.
Masher Hey, Baby. I don't recall you lookin this hot before I started drinkin them tequila shooters.
flinchböt Call me the Chilean Miner because at the worst time possible you will meet my fiancee.
DelBoy "Hi, remember me, I went home with you're friend two weeks ago...oh damn!"
Buck Toothedly A man once said to me, "Bet I kiss better than your Daddy!" And he did, too.
CDTrips  Do you wash your clothes in windex, because I can see myself in your pants. 
flinchböt Yeah baby, I'm on TV all the time. You know when the news shows stock footage of fat people? That's totally me!
Sammy Smooth Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 
strawberry-32 I once had a pick up line where a man said you have a body like Marylin Monroe. I't flatter me so much It almost had him a date. He blew It about ten minutes later When he asked me to go out in sit in is backseat of his car. I called him a dumbass and went my way.
spooge  Was he aware that Marylin Monroe has been dead for years and that by saying you had a body like hers was saying that you look like a corpse?
flinchböt Wanna see a guy with braided pubic hair? So do I!
strawberry-32 You have a good point! Never thought of it that way. I won't tell that pick up line anymore. THANKS!

mzchaos

Well, come on cowboy, its only 10 minutes until showtime.
flinchböt Are you Australian? Because you totally make me want to go down under!
strawberry-32 I just got to the comments section of your web site. Who took care of the humorcafe.com after the arrow? I like it! I played with it awhile. Might use It when I get a vacation to make my own web page. By the way thanks for all your hard work on your web page it's giving me alot of good ideals.
spooge 
Here's a few:
* (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 
* Nice legs...what time do they open? 
* Are those real? 
* (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself. 
* You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 
* I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Strawberry-32 A men said can I marry you for 24 hours. I said it wouldn't work. He said why. I said once you had me you wouldn't let me go. He said OH shit! lets try it then. My replied was all men are jerk offs. I think he got the point.
Brynan Hey baby..you is like a box of chocolates...I just want to rip ya open and suck every last drop of creamy filling.

JestaFreak

Say Something romantic like: 
If I could save time in a bottle,,,, You'd have to wait in line all day to blow me. Care to beat the rush. 

Das Booty

Anything you say can be held against you - mention my penis, I dare you! 

Das Booty

I mean, I double dog dare You!!!! 

Masher

Think very carefully for the answer you give to my next question will determine weather or not I decide to take you home and make sweet love to you. Here's the question, "What is your favorite color?"
flinchböt I like you because you would never pass as a tranny for you have just the cutest Adam's Apple.

Pope Locutus

Let's skip the preliminaries and just get married. 
This works best with the desperate psychos at the Bottlecap in Lancaster, Ohio.

mzchaos

One time in the middle of sex, we were cracking jokes and he spit on me and I said, "is that what were doing now spitting on me?" and he said yes and laughed some more...my reply, "what do you think this is a salad bar!?" 

Pimp Daddy

Is your daddy a meat burglar? Cauz it looks like he stole two hams and stuck em down the back of your pants. "Ya know, guys like a little junk in the trunk"

Brandi

That shirt is very becoming on you , if I was on you I'd be coming to!

DelBoy

Me: "Would you like to have dinner before we have sex?" 
Two responses... 
1. Her: "No." (Good result) 
2. Her: "Yes" 
Me : "Okay call me after you've eaten"

Bildog

"hey (insert name) can I borrow thirty-five cents for a phone call, i told my mom i would call her when i fell in love..."

BarbieDoll

Now lets all get nekkid and armwrestle." Which the biggest of them immediately....

CiNdErElLa

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 

Disgusting, huh?

Christie

Is that a cell phone in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

KELLILEE

WORST i'VE HEARD? I MAY NOT BE THE BEST LOOKIN GUY IN THE BAR BUT IM THE ONLY ONE TALKIN TO YOU!! YAEH, THAT WORKED!!!!

Brynan

Hey baby...Ya know, Wink Wink, I have always dug fat chicks.

Sisterpeanut

* I am better at sex than Michael Jordan is at basketball. 
* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 

These last few were all recently contributed by long time Humorcafe Contributor Lane 'What's that smell' Smythe. They represent his opinion of a bad pick up line.

Guy to Girl...

* Check out this prosthetic limb...
* I bathe regularly.
* I'm the best offer your fat ass is gonna get tonight.
* I dig chicks with small chests.
* I'm a porn producer and I wanna make you famous.
* If you act now, I'll do your friend for free.
* Anything starting off with, "If prison taught me anything..."
* Nice weave.
* Hey baby, is it a shag rug or a linoleum floor?
* You're in luck...I like 'em thick.
* Would it make a difference if I picked up the cab fare?
* You look just like that titty dancer over at The Dungeon.

Girl to Guy...

* There is no such thing.

And that's all we got for the bad pick up lines so far for January 25th 2K1.

Sadly Our Forums got canned during one of the many transmogrifications of this website.

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