Your One Stop Comedy Shop

SLOGANS

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever--so far, so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria--they're they only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness ofthe bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous--tomorrow.

Get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand . . .

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

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