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Rules Of Life

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in  your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later,  you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of  me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just  leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take  another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing  gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's  dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal  the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it  and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food  groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group  and the "What-ever-it-is-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge".

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car  windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on  the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to  remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a  blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay  over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.  It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your  land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to  get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

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