How to Make Love Like a Man
1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.
2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.
3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.
4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.
5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.
6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.
7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.
8. Almost "forget" birth control.
9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.
10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.
11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.
12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.
13. Silence. Should you be worried?
14. You definitely should be worried, and you would be, if you weren't falling asleep.
15. You're jolted awake by your partner's fingers poking you in the ribs. Hard.
16. Apparently the sex is not over. While you are so exhausted that staying conscious seems like a miraculous physical feat, your partner is even more energetic and enthusiastic than before. Okay...batter up.
17. Wow. Partner definitely had orgasm. Make a mental note to remember the signs so you'll recognize them next time.
18. Finally, you can go to sleep. Can't you? No, you cannot. Seems partner actually has the impulse to talk.
19. Murmur at appropriate intervals. Hold partner close. Feel peaceful and content and loving and safe.
20. When partner's body finally relaxes against yours and you hear soft snores against your shoulder, pick up remote and turn on TV. Flip channels. Wait a minute, what was that? Bare thigh. Close-up of a kiss. No longer feel on the brink of blissful oblivion. In fact, feel instant and overwhelming desire for...sex.
21. Contemplate sleeping partner. Contemplate waking partner. Fantasize possibilities. Calculate probabilities. Keep on flipping.
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