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Regular People Hit List

This list is a collection of regular people who,
for some reason or another, I none the less long to harm.

my 80 year old stalker - 1. For getting the vapors while reading my poetry. 2. For telling me those vapors caused her to want to touch herself. 3. For the horrific image of that, which still wakes me screaming from a dead sleep.

my masseuse june noble - Because no matter how many times I tell her she refuses to believe me when I explain how most of my tension, stress and back pain could more easily be relieved by a full on groin massage.

brynan coughlin - Because despite my persistence He refuses to take off his shirt and share a big manly bare chested Viking hug with me. I mean not like a gay thing, kinda like two proven warriors dropping there defensive barriers to be real men for a change.

sean coughlin - for taking a minute at the karaoke bar to inform the entire assembly that I indeed have a small penis. For him I have prescribed, Death By Bufu, and given the diminutive size of my member, it will be a slow horrible death, not much pain involved but slow and horrible.

samia salik (again) - Because one time she asked me what color did my hair used to be before it went gray. She must pay dearly for that one I tell you.

samia salik - On account of one time I told her I was going to jump up and kick someone in the knee, she implied that as short as I am I would prolly only make it high enough to stubb his toe. (For that Miss smarty Pants I will stub all of your toes repeatedly, until death occurs naturally. You shall rue the day you scorned me)


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non-life having morons - who walk into their houses, pick up the phone and dial '*69' to call back whoever may have had the misfortune to call them. You kid yourself to think you're that important. Believe me it wasn't the president who called you last. It wasn't Publishers Clearing house. It wasn't some hunky guy or hot babe that called. So while you are their trying to figure out the mystery ask yourself another question. "Would it be better to be shot or to take multiple stab wounds.

advertising managers - who think up all the stupid, 'I'm a loser sell out' songs for those insipid Sprite commercials. How asinine can you get. It might have been funny once but the next twenty five moronic songs tend to grate on ones nerves. Mayhap I need therapy, but when I hear those songs I am filled with the urge to rip off the head of the sprite C.E.O. and spit in the hole.

kim chestoskey - For ruining my confidence in trying to pick up woman. When I was five years old I summoned the courage to ask young kim for a kiss. She immediately threw a cat in my face. Love hurts and I got the scars to prove it. kim probably anticipated my the next question I was going to ask.

t-storm - for single-handedly ruining my career. For always showing up late when I bummed rides off him to work. For talking me into just quitting my prestigious job with the Taco Bell Corporation. I could have been Shift Leader ( Chief Taco Bender) by now. I coulda had a walking Sebulba!

my brother ric - because while standing in the back of a pick up truck, stuck in a traffic jam on the way to a concert, he pantsed me. Exposing my almost non-existent buttocks to hundreds of people. I was the laughing stock of the next mile and a half of traffic. Imma kill the rat bastard real thorough like!

my ex-girlfriend Brigitte - On account of she cannot seem to get out of bed without pulling the blankets offin me. Exposing HOWLER's frail little body to the chill morning air. HOWLER's a sensitive boy, don't ya know.

My Dad - because he is old and Spanish. He shares those qualities with the two bastards that started that whole macarena fiasco.

people - who spend however long it takes to create those little ascii art thingys and ascii art scroll down letters. They should be pummeled with a keyboard, and suffer multiple contusions and abrasions.

those people, subsequently, - who send me that very same ascii art crap in my email. They should be made to eat a  printed copy of every chain letter that they have ever mailed.

everyone - who has ever sent me a chain letter, weather it be a tantra totem, good sex, or what have you message, except when they are funny. Even then, those people i will maim if they didn't copy and paste the funny part into a new email and leave off the chain letter part.

mike tressler - who once said to me, "I know you are neither, but to you prefer the term midget, or dwarf?" I will hack at him till he is half as tall then i will reach up and punch him on the genitals.

randy wolf - because he found what tressler had said to be so funny he repeated it. I will pelt him with cans of Guiness, then I will jump and kick him squar in his knee.

diddumdaddum - because she feels the need to insult me in the message boards. There will be a day of reckoning, and on that day you shall lament your treatment of Uncle Scabby.

Iceman - because he claims to be in possession of a much larger pair of testibules than I. It's not true I tell you, it's not true!!!

mrs. palmerly - My kindergarten teacher who paddled me because I colored my chimney bricks black. It was soot god damn it!! Hadn't she ever heard of soot!


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everyone - who saw me fall off the fence that time and my shorts got stuck and I fell right out of them, and I had chosen to not ware underpants that day. I'll kill them!

Iceman - cuz when we were kids we were playing guns and he shot me and I fell down and rolled around pretending to be in a lot of pain. I hadn't even noticed the fresh pile of doggy doo. He will never tell another sole that story.

my 5th grade history teacher, missus beach - For trying to make me ware barrettes in my hair cuz she thot lil boy's shouldn't have long hair. And she dressed funny!

(this is like therapy for me)

the spelling bee champ last year - For being a blubbering idiot.

CDTrips - For asking me if I wanted to drive out onto a dry lake bed in Utah, then for getting stuck and making me wait five hours for a tow truck, the drivers of which ridiculed us. You see, ever since I've known him he has always come up with dumb ideas, and asked me if I wanted to be a part of them. And he knows I always say, "Yeah sure, what the hell!" For that he must die!

CDTrips (again) - Just to make sure he is dead!! Dead! Dead! Dead!

ric 'the Dick' gibson - Some asshole I went to highschool with, who embodies every highschool movies jock prick. Ask Iceman, he'll verify that this guy must Die!

anyone - who thot chumba wumba's 'I get knocked down' was a good song!

the girl at mcdonald's - Who told me, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have a medium fry, we have small large, and Extra Large." Don't be such a dumb Cow all yer life!

that last girls manager - She shouldn't be the only one to suffer.

whoever invented the penis enlarger - that thing is painful! You have injured Little Howler and now I must kill you with extreme prejudice.

whoever decided on the name K.Y. Jelly - because that stuff does absolutely nothing for the taste of Peanut Butter.

Rio (from comic chat) - For finding it so damned funny that I rolled in dog crap when I pretended to be shot.

people - who use all those way cool catch phrases as heard on talk shows like "ricki lake" and "jenny jones". Most especially that old "talk to the hand routine" people don't understand that only morons go on these shows.

old men - who walk into a public restroom and see me standing at a urinal and for some reason think they have mistakenly walked into the women's pisser. So I have long hair and carry a fanny pack hanging over my shoulder, I pee standing up for christ sakes. I wish I had a dollar for every time this happened to me.

any of the many - brain dead asshole morons that ever starred in, worked on, or dreamed up the mentos concept commercials. I almost want to kill anyone who has ever eaten a mentos but I feel that would be kinda extreme.

pc modem, and that other pitchman - for the comp USA duper whore - For all the hours I wasted listening to those morons while waiting for technical support, or some other phantom department involved with that corporation.

The bad toupe wearin' short pudgey bastard - who tried to bait and switch me at comp USA when I went to buy my P.C. Tryin to sell me an inferior system for more money than the add said. What a dick that guy was, lemme tell ya.

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