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Celebrity Hit List

Who's who and why R they on the celebrity Hit List? I'll try to explain Briefly. Please note that by not capitalizing names I intend to show that I give these people no respect, for they deserve it not!

ricki martin - Nevermind the fact that he is a commercial teeny bop loser. Maybe ricki's dad is american, but if ricki's dad is Spanish than his last name is supposed to be pronounced Mar-teen. So if he is going to be known as Mar-Tin, then he shouldn't be hailed as a Latin sensation. Oh yeah, then there is the fact that he sucks.

john fricken madden - And any other football commentator who thinks that drawing little lines all over the screen on our football game is somehow going to trick us into not realizing what a fricking moron he actually is.

regis philben - for having a name that is comprised of three first names - is that your final death throe, Jeffro?

old navy (Special Addendum) - I thought I was done with those ignorant bastards involved with old navy advertising. Now I am going to have to take out both  sister sister, and brother brother with extreme prejudice. A tad extremer with brother brother of course.

will and grace - or whoever writes for them - they have wounded me, although I like that show. Stealing my intellectual property. They used my 'spoonful-o-whoop-ass' line that I created some 4 years ago. All by my Lonesome. That happens to me all the time and I hate it.


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Yasmine Bleath - Because despite all the prophecies and what her very destiny ordains, she refuses to let me get upon her and implant my foul seed. The same goes for all those Victoria's Secret Super Models.

the loser ass band offspring - for that moronic dumb-ass song, "say no way". How popular would these blow jobs be if there weren't any 14 year olds. The song sounds like a straight yellow submarine rip off any damn way.

richard simmons - Because I am tired of watching Dav Letterman reduce him to tears on every occasion that Dav lets him on the show. While I'm about it, I should probably go ahead and hit paul "ya dave" schaeffer, because I can't stand watching him brown nose Letterman with the intensity of a thorough rectal exam.

the famous boys from def leppard - They just released yet another smash super-hit, jammin album for the year 1986. To bad it's almost the year 2K. If they had released that album 10 years ago, the music would still have been out of style. What were they thinkin?

little girl - You know the little voice changing girl from the pepsi commercials. I just saw the latest  installment where she sings and Dances to urethra franklin. Oh yeah, might as well hit urethra herself for appearing in the same commercial. Maybe i will leave off with the axing and beat aretha with the recently discorporated lil girl.

kenny-g - We'll see what kinda melodies he can blow through that horn with that fat end shoved way up in 'him.

michael bolton - Cry in private for chrissakes ya damn pansy.

eric estrada - Oh ya, but ya gotta! I will kill him but before I do I'll ask him if his psychic friends forewarned him. He has always annoyed me - even on Chip's.

dionne warwick - For allowing the psychic friends to tell eric estrada that he was going to get to do Taco Bell commercials. I will kill her slowly.

dick clark - For not being able to deliver a joke, and for not being able to say, "Hey these jokes aren't funny. How do you like the beat of the axe? " Um, it leaves a nice groove, but ya can't dance to it."

ed mcmahon - Yes, you're corrupt sir! For repeatedly setting dick clark up to tell a bad joke! And for making me fill out endless "I might be a Millionaire" forms.

elisabeth taylor - So I won't have to see her face on tabloid 'zines in the supermarket.


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bob hope - Die already, will ya!!! No more bob hope birthday specials.

bob dole - Just don't do it! I'm afraid I have to bob! For carrying that damned pen!

bob kavoian (of local radio) - So he will never again take 20, ten year old jokes and turn them into a song he can sing about women with big breasts. Die, you ignorant slug!

other guys named bob - Because I can call them bob and pretend they are bob kavoian, and in that way, I can kill him all over again - and again, and again. Hee Heee!

denny terio (of dance fever) - His career died long ago, why shouldn't he join it.

caroline (of caroline in the City) - For ever thinking she could do comedy. And because my girlfriend used to make me watch that show which got lucky enough to sit betwixt Seinfeld and ER, and ruin a half hour of my Thursday evening programming.

tim allen - so I will never have to watch a movie called ‘jungle 2 jungle' Or see him in any other very depressing comedy.

the guy on local news - because he can't move his damn upper lip. Sounds petty, don't it? But I'm serious.

blanche (from the Golden Girls) - For having the outright audacity to appear in one of my wet dreams. I still get the shakes when I think about it. Eeeeeeewwwww!

Myself - So I will never have to think about blanche (eeewwwww!) again. Or the first nelly olsen on lil House on the prairie, or nancy karrigan, or james brolan. Er, um - wait a minute... I've said to much again, haven't I?


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steven tyler (of arrowshit) - For maintaining his status as an american teen idol. He has already given the world his daughter Liv, his time is done.

pat boone - For his ungodly attempt at turning great heavy metal and thrash, and grunge tunes into some nightmarish elevator music on heroin, crap. I'll kill him and then I'll pee on his dog.

tom jones - For somewhat the same reason, why can't these crooners just settle back into their old age, and for god's sake leave the leather pants for steven tyler. Oh, wait I've already killed him. Just leave off the leather pants.

the woman that spilled coffee on her aged cookie - First I will force her to eat a McDonald's hot apple pie, then I will pelt her with fresh french fries. Then she get's the axe.

david hasselhof - So I never have to recount the many reasons that describe why he is a no talent loser, to someone in Europe.

spice girls - where does on begin? because it's what I want to do, what I really want to do. And ginger, please don't think leaving the group will spare you. Your pathetic attempts to look sexy while stumbling around on high heels sealed your fate long ago.

bryan setzer - I really used to like this guy but I recently found out he made an appearance on 90210. What the fuck was he thinking?

anything living - that ever appeared in an Old Navy commercial. Ya know I always expected to have to kill morgan fairchild but it pains me to take out George & Louise Jefferson, but they should have had better judgement.

michael jordan - Beacause as rich as that bastard is he still condescends to looking like a complete and utter moron, just to make a couple of bucks in an animated MCI commercial. I'd like to kick him in his million dollar ass while wearing a pair of his over priced tennis shoes.

alli mcbeal - For starters it was her show that birthed that hellspawn dancing baby, and because, well I just don't like her. As an add on, I would like to kill anyone who ever liked that baby and even those people who liked seeing that baby die in an AVI file. That baby is bad, Evil I tell ya. EVILE, as in froooits of the Devile!

kirsty ally - Yes one more moron who kept a show alive just by having the good fortune to have their show sit betwixt Seinfeld and E.R. on my Thursday nights. While I am at it I may as well get old brooke shields who managed to keep her show on the air for the same reason's. Thank gawd tea leoni was canceled cause I would hate to have to send David Duchovny to a funeral.

jerry fallwell - This walking, and talking turd needs to be beat to death with a magic purse. I always hated god merchants, you kick them in the ass and bibles fall out.

Those are but a few of the famous people I long to kill. There will be more, rest assured as every thirty seconds a loser is born. And I shall kill them all! I will Kill them! Ha ha ha ha *cof* ha ha *wheeze* ha ha *Cough, gasp choke.

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