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In The Headlines


(Photo by: I. Stoalit)

Murphy to play Basquiat

 "Eddie Murphy was chosen to play  lead role in a movie about the New York artist who died from a Warhol overdose..." (full story)

Einstienian Update

Scientists Discover Cleavage Axiom 
By Victor Somalia, PP, Golf Writer
"After years of intensive study into the mysteries of breast and buttock cleavage..." (full story)

On The Home Front
Daring Escape Foiled By Zoo Officials -- Reported By Sinta B. Diddlin

Zoo officials claim an endangered tortoise from Madagascar is slowly returning to his home at the Indianapolis Zoo about a week after he was apparently stolen from an exhibit. However, a startling revelation has surfaced in which claims have been made that the 17-year- old radiated tortoise, who was found in a small park on the North side, actually planned, designed, and implemented his own escape plan after 12 years of imprisonment at the local zoo.   (full story)

Truck Driver T-Bones Car for Playing "Honk Your Horn"
Lane Smythe Reporting

Wilbur By the Sea, FL. A Peterbuilt truck driven by Bart Stegshulte 38 of Jupiter t-boned a late model Hyundai because a passenger, 14 year-old Lester Foos made a pulling down motion in an attempt to provoke the truck driver to activate his horn. "Those little bastards do that shit to me all day and all night." Stegshulte said from his jail cell. "I drive and they press their got-damned faces in the window and pull up and down. It's never enough. You can honk that bitch all day and those little shits just keep it up. So I t-boned the little asshole." Fred and Deirdre Foos, mother and father of Lester, were uninjured; however, their son's spank claw required two pins and a cast. None of the Foos were available for comment.

Monthly Porn Excerpt

....OOOhh, oh my, uuunh, yeah, yeah, that's good, oh that's the spot right, unf, there. Keep that up, oh sweet baby jesus. Now a little faster, oh god, unnnnh yes....<=>

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<=> Our Top Story <=>

Recording Industry Recruits Israeli Helicopter Pilots to Battle Napster

(7/19/01 by Diego Frenzy)

In the new effort to quell the deleterious effects of Napster, top recording industry officials announced that they have hired a crack team of assault chopper pilots to strafe compounds occupied by members of the Napster corporation.  The pilots, ranging from twenty-two to twenty-six, have all been extensively trained in combat tactics by the Israeli Air Force.

Napster immediately sought relief from Hamas, which overturned the Israelis decision to fire missiles at a farm occupied by Shawn Fanning, the latest in a steady stream of violence that has crumbled a Gnutella-sponsored cease-swap.

Napster, sued by the recording industry in 1999 for copyright infringement, said it could now block more than 99 percent of all incoming missiles thanks to "the world's first high-energy laser weapon system designed for operational use," a US contractor announced on Thursday.

During the experiment, the laser gun developed by a team of TRW-led US scientists tracked a Katyusha rocket with its radar and then destroyed it with its chemical laser beam.

The operation was over in seconds, according to the statement. "We've just turned science fiction into reality," Lieutenant General John Costello of the US army space and missile defense command commented on the test.  "And later Fanning is going to hook us up with bitching new free-source software.  God bless America, baby.  <=> (Photos by I. Stoalit)

<=> In Other News <=>

Fate Of 16 Cubans Not Influenced By Ugly Child
Bi Amanda B. Gaywith ) 

The Immigration Naturalization Service’s decision to deport 16 Cubans rescued off of the Florida Keys last month was unchanged despite news of the death of one of the young refugee’s mother. (CLICK HERE for full story)

Taco Bell, KFC Admit to Using Stem Cell Cheese Flavoring C-13
(7/23/01- Diego Frenzy)

In a press briefing filled with guacamole appetizers and industry tongue-teasers of every variety, the chief operating officer of the Pepsi conglomerate admitted that the "extra-delicious" flavor additive known as C-13 was actually a mixture of a lime-based salsa and embryonic stem cells.  (CLICK HERE for full story)

Indiana Worker's Comp Law Revolutionizes Procedures for Slaves
(7/23/01- Diego Frenzy)

For the first time in its two-hundred year history, both the Indiana State Senate and House of Representatives sided on a bill to allow slaves to bring worker's compensation claims to ad judicatory sessions, refuting the age old claim that the laws of the Midwestern land were prehistoric. (CLICK HERE for full story)

<=> World News Review <=>

Canada Invaded!! Amish Clear Land Of Trees! Force Canadians To Use Maple Syrup Pipline!

A Canadian plea for help went unheeded by the U.S. when it was discovered the Amish had invaded Canada. The Amish have begun an ethnic cleansing policy. Most of the French-Canadian population left when they were forced to buy maple syrup from the Amish and to wear the black clothing provided by the invading Amish forces. (CLICK HERE for full story)

Beijing to Broadcast Uncensored Olympics in 2008
(7/20/01 - Diego Frenzy)

In a move that startled PRC hardliners and red communists everywhere, the Chinese Olympic Committee proposed broadcasting the games live on national television for the upcoming 2008 games.  In the past, the COC has shown only edited tapes of previous competitions.   (CLICK HERE for full story)

<=> This Weak In Rock <=>

Nsync Tours Third World "Having bilked first world economies for all they're worth." (cont'd) Not related to sober gay Jewish male. RIAA - dispute claims to contrary against Hillary Rosen. (cont'd)
Nelly Furtado Falls to death at MTV Studio Brazilian singer  falls eighty feet to the tarmac  (cont'd) Better Than Ezra? NOT!!! Ezra refutes bands claim that they are "Better than him." (cont'd)

And That's Da Newz! 
Don't wear it Out!
Phlegm at Eleven!!

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Picture Of The Month

mitch_bugleboy.jpg (34042 bytes)

(Photo by: D.A. Mitch)
In The Midst Of Chaos: Officer Darrel Ashwipe took a second to ask an important question before helping accident victim from carnage.

New this season on The Cartoon Network:

Follow the crazy antics of two best friends as they stir up all kinds of trouble at coffee houses and Melissa Etheridge concerts. These whacky pussycats show you the real way two pussy's can get into all kinds of conundrums but still be best mates at the end.

Watch "Butch and Femme" Wednesdays on The Cartoon Network!!!  <=>

neecappin.jpg (31418 bytes)

(Photo by: I. Stoalit)
Important Lessons: 
President Bush teaches children the proper way to "knee cap a 'sum bitch' wot beefs for your lunch money."

10,000th Customer at Piggly Wiggly Gets Dysentery 
-- Lane Smythe Reporting

Otis Scratchinsak of Cedar Knutt, GA was the 10,000 customer at the local Piggly Wiggly. No Prize was awarded. Piggly Wiggley clerk had this to say," seems old Otis wen and caught a dysentry from a pot of ode coffee." Reached at the hospital following his colostomy Otis quipped, "I aint never won nuthin' in ma life...'cept that one contest were they'z really just lockin folks up what ain't current in they childs support."  <=>

The Bla-Bla Report
Everything you need to know about Spinal Biffeta. -- Blabla O'reilly reporting. 
Blahh Blaa blahh blahhhh blahhblaa blahh blahhhh blahh. Blaa blahh blahhhh blahh blaa, blahh blahhhh blahh. Blaa blahh blahhhh blahh blaa blahh? Blahhhh, blahh blaa blahh blahhhh blahh Blaa blahh blaw!
   Blahh bla bla blahhh - blahbla blah blahbla blaa blaahh. Blahh blaa blaaw blabla. Blah, blah blaw blaah blagh blahh blahh blaaah bla bla blaw bla. Blah bla bla blah blaah blah bla. 

<=> Hoosier Hist'ry <=>

In the early 1900's before the grand depression there used to be river boats that traveled the White River near a section of town called Broad Ripple (of David Letterman fame).
One such party boat, (the name of which eludes me) was a grand two story behemoth.
One balmy summer afternoon this boat, with 175 passengers aboard capsized and sank to the briney depths of White River.
It is reported that the cause of this mishap was due to the action of all One hundred and seventy five male passengers rushing to one side of the boat to get a glimpse of a fine ass woman in a passing canoe.
No death toll information is available but rest assured that this incident is a true Hoosier Hist'ry Moment.

(By Hal R Z'leftwun)

Thars Beavers in that river
It's fun to watch 'em shiver
I'd like to get a sliver of that pelt

In the rain or stormy weather
I'd hone it like to leather
And use it for a tether, or my belt

Fo when the youngin tried to try me
when they whine & curse & lie me
They woun'nt get on by me w/out  welts

I'll beat dem kids like peasants
with sores for tiny presents
Their ass all luminescence, wot i dealt

Cause when them kids transpire
I'll light there ass on fire
Yes that is the desire, wot i felt.

And, then, there's,
them Beavers in that river
It's fun to watch em shiver
Yes, I'd like to get a sliver o that pelt!

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